The Ultimate How-To Guide for Becoming a Bestselling "Author"

A 10 Step Guide to Gaming the System and Gaslighting your Audience

Josh Nadeau

Apr 10, 2025

So, you want to be a kajillionaire ? See your name up on the shelves ?

You want to top the New York Times book lists ? Update your IG bio to “bestselling author” ?

Well, look no further.

I’ve got all your answers.

This is how you become a best selling author. This is the gospel according to brand. Amen.

It’s quite simple, really—the path to success. The biggest cost is self-respect, but what’s that worth in today’s economy, anyways ? From what I’ve heard, there’s big tariffs on dignity these days..and to be honest, dignity doesn’t sell the way we wish it would.

So, here’s the ten steps.

From being a complete unknown to someone with a bit of renown; a bit of lustre—maybe a few billboards, who knows how far we can go.

Step One : Become A Viral Content Machine

You think you need to be good at writing to sell books ? Crazy talk. To be an author you need to be a “Content Creator”.

Your ideas don’t even have to be good, they just need to be clippable. Your videos need strong hooks, psychological tricks to get clicks, and calls to action.

Currently, we suggest you post at least once a day, maybe even once an hour—or better yet, any time you’re having one of those existential dilemmas that come from the insecurity of not making it.

No listen, virality isn’t real, we all know it. And since we’ve left dignity at the door, let’s lean into it a bit—cry on camera, do a dance, go Live from an airport, be loud and obnoxious and in general a menace and annoyance to everyone around you.

Oh, and controversy sells, too, so get in as many virtual beefs as you can.

No such thing as bad publicity, right ?

Step Two : Shamelessly Self Promote

If you don’t gas yourself up, who else will ? Modesty—that’s old hat. You’re building an empire.

Have you ever heard of the humble brag ? No ? Oh, this is vital—let’s see what Mirriam or Webster have to say :

to make a seemingly modest, self-critical, or casual statement or reference that is meant to draw attention to one's admirable or impressive qualities or achievements

No one actually likes a braggart, so you have get your own lips to praise you ( what did Solomon know, anyways ? ) in a sort of sly, backhanded way. You don’t want to draw too much attention to yourself, right up front. God opposes the proud, and all that.

Here’s a few suggestions :

Feeling so unworthy…still God is using this book of mine to change lives. Someone just told me it hit #4 on the Christian Formation / Inspiration / Theology / Growth list.
I wasn’t going to share this, but after fasting ( AND SO MANY DMs ), I knew God wanted to share the framework HE gave me to be build a six-figure book community. L!NK IN b!0 !
Tbh, I didn’t even think anyone would read this—all I did was write what the Spirit gave me—what God put on my heart. Now I have to turn speaking engagements down. Calendar in bio.

See ? Easy. Use any and every opportunity to plug and gloat, just wrap it up in the veneer of spiritual maturity and helping others.

Step Three : Tell Everyone Your Book Solves Their Problems

Like I said, the writing doesn’t matter—the promises do.

No one cares about cadence, the music of language, speaking to a soul. What they care about is some little catchphrase, some little tidbit they can hold onto. The hopes that embedded within your 250 pages of drivvle is the cure-all to their every worry and difficulty.

Don’t make them hard and fast promises, though. Vague and idealistic is the name of the game. Transformation. Revival. Clarity. Six-pack abs.

You want to use phrases like “This Changes Everything!” ( we both know it doesn’t, but that doesn’t matter. Best-sellers matter )

Think of yourself less like a human, and more like an idea. Cult-leader. Movement Maker. And don’t forget the Patagonia vest.

Step Four : All Hype All the Time!

Sincerity ? that’s for suckers, and maybe a few saints.

The new holiness ? Hype.

And in a world with a 24 hour turn around, a social media cycle that churns out content, make sure you never let the energy of your “ministry” dip below at least three fire emojis.

Like this :

🔥🔥🔥

Every sentence is a pitch, a promotion, or some proof that “heaven is meeting earth”—revival is NOW, ALWAYS. God is ALWAYS doing fresh work, new ground, and it’s never quiet, never behind the scenes. The new currency is noise, and this work is Loud and Center-Stage.

Here’s a way to picture it, your whole life, your whole social media presence: Lights. Camera. Action. Did a church service really happen if we didn’t post a video about it ? Did you really pray and read your bible if there’s no IG story with some piety signalling text to accompany ?

The answer to those questions, and I think you’re getting it now, is an emphatic NO.

Step Five : Hire Someone to Promote You

You ever wish someone famous would call you the voice of the next generation ? and not just over coffee or beers or dinner, not just as friends with no one watching—somewhere that it can be captured and shared.

Yeah, I thought so.

Try to get testimonials from people you have never talked to, people who haven’t read the book, people whose last names end in “Clout”. And if they’re not interested, sweeten the deal—it’s not bribery when it’s for the Kingdom.

And you know what, if you can’t find any Big Fish for your Small Pond, find some other guppies and give them made up names.

Neuro-Spiritual Influencer.

Bi-chemical Sacred Artist.

Earth Liturgist.

Retro-Ancient Theolo-babble Thought Leader.

Genuine care doesn’t matter, nor does real human connection—so if you’re willing to risk it, get a few bots, and feed them lines.

Oh, and quote yourself. Unironically.

Step Six : Content Funnel > Community

What you want to do, dear friend, is build something that looks like a community, maybe even smells like one. Waddles and quacks, and all that. Feathers, too.

But that’s just the outside—we don’t actually want a community. No, we want a brand. An ecosystem. A content funnel.

Tug on those needs for identity, and instead of, you know, doing what Jesus did ( how many books did He sell, btw ? )—make the identity circle on your own values and mission and empire. Give the people a name. And definitely make sure it’s overused.

The Collective.

The Guild.

Inner Circle.

The Twelve.

This is sacred space, you tell them, but make sure you hit the shop on the way out. “Here’s a 5% off coupon!” you say; that’ll get em.

Launch those webinars, that are mostly fluff, mostly talking about self, and then hit a strong sales pitch; your IG and TikTok and Substack followers are, after all, potential customers. Oh, and make sure you call them friends, or kindreds. People are lonely, use that.

Step Seven : Become a Sanctimonious Guru

You’re not a writer, you’ve never been a writer. And like we said, that doesn’t matter. The new positioning, the new leverage is :

Thought-Leader.

Next Gen Voice.

The Person Who Can Get Online and Reprimand People They’ve Never Met.

Trust me, this helps. Builds loyalty ( with the wrong people, but still—even the wrong people have cash in their wallets ).

Let’s spell some of this out, because, what matters is getting these people, these disciples of yours, to P U R C H A S E.

Start you sentences with “People are always asking me…” ( They aren’t ).

Speak in absolutes—grey area, self-autonomy, the slow progress of growth ? Those don’t sell. Tell them that if they want to be a Good Christian™ they need to wake up at 4am and eat grass fed, organic, non GMO pages of the King James Bible. Tell them that your famous mentor ( you’ve never met them ) told you that all great writers fast on Thursdays.

Make sure everything is monetized and that everything is available for a $5 PDF download.

Let them know, your followers, that you’re just a humble servant of the Lord—telegraph humility as much as possible. But whatever you do, make sure everything has the slightest edge of I know Better.

I am the subject matter expert.

The kind of pretentious condescension that money can’t buy.

It’s a lie you have to tell yourself. But it works, dangit.

Step Eight : Sell Scarcity

If you really want to move people, get them in lines for your book, make sure they know it’s barely available. First come, first serve, and you can only service a few.

Tell them there’s only 100 signed copies—it doesn’t matter that you only have seven readers, what matters is the energy.

Limited time only.

Special Edition.

Only one run.

Have a waitlist, and don’t email people back right away. Only 50 spots to fill, three sign-up, and make sure you post that “spots are filling up, FAST!”

This is about creating U R G E N C Y when, in fact, there is none.

If you want to be a best seller, well, you gotta get a fire under the butts of all those would be readers. So why not lie to them ? Worked for Ananias and Sapphira, if memory serves.

Step 9 : Tell Them It Ain’t About the Money

Listen, you know, and I know it—books are the golden road to big royalty cheques. Dollar Signs. Scrooge McDuck kind of coinage. But you can’t go around telling people that.

But make sure you always share your rates for speaking engagements.

Make sure you never speak at a place with less than 1,000 attendees and that you won’t settle for anything less that $3,000 donations to Your Name Inc.

Build out as many revenue streams as you can. Substack. IG subs. YT monetization. Membership platforms. Consulting. Theology and Formation Retreats. New Ministries every Fiscal Quarter.

And then, when you’re in public, make sure you’re wearing the latest and greatest; the sneakers, the watches, the beanies. Telegraph wealth and prosperity. Like how Jesus says that even if we remain silent, praising, that even the stones would sing. Just let your designer jeans and Lexus ring the chorus.

Step 10 : Burn Out, Disappear, Go Off-Grid

And then return.

Who doesn’t love a comeback story ?

Hurt someone ? Abuse them ? Use addictions to cope and destroy people in the collateral damage ?

Well, you can just *disappear*.

Archive everything.

And then, when just about everyone has forgotten your name, forgotten you exist, come back. With a shaggy beard ( you too, ladies ), and maybe even a shaved head.

Tell people about the wilderness ( you were just staying at the Cabin your in-laws own ), and that God healed you, and that God wants you to share the story.

With a podcast, a paid course, and, of course, a book.

You know the drill.

Happens at Hillsong all the time.

There you Have It

That’s the sacred scroll, as it were. The Secret Recipe.

Game the system, gaslight the audience, get your name up with the stars.

This is the foolproof path to bestsellerdom.

Build the brand, sell the hype, and watch the clout come rolling in.

And don’t forget, this isn’t about the book. It’s about being seen as a person who has books worth reading.

And of course, I would know nothing of this.

I don’t have a paid SubStack ( I do ).

I don’t have a book I would like to sell ( I do ).

I don’t want people to read my writing or see my art ( I do, the Third ).

So maybe I can remove the tongue from my cheek, maybe this is less take-down and more cautionary tale for all you who follow the same path.

Maybe this is just how it goes, in 2025.

Who gets to disappear into the woods and craft, anymore ?

But hey — at least I didn’t sell a workbook.

Yet.

It’s probably peak irony to post about my book or subscription or anything; pot meet kettle, sort of thing.

So maybe I won’t.

I shouldn’t.

Should I ?

Every Day Saints is a torchlight searching for the quiet miracles, the beautifully human stories and ideas that exist all around us. And it is a place to dialogue, not Holy Ground, but still a place of gathering.

Shoot. I did it.